[220] Relapse?

Recently, while on Instagram, my Preposterous Ponderings profile got one of those “so-and-so shared pictures” notifications, and I looked at my last post. That’s when reality struck me that my last post was back on 16 July, and here we are on Labor Day, 06 Sept. I haven’t written anything in 53 days! It’s not like back in January when I intentionally took a hiatus, but it ended up being that way.

I attribute this to a couple of different reasons. Firstly, I’ve been working a ton. For several weeks now, I’ve been working in excess of 50 hours a week. I’ve definitely enjoyed the paychecks from 10 or more hours of overtime a week. Secondly, my home life hasn’t been optimal for me to be able to write. I’ve been way stressed about my finances, as I’ve been basically the sole income-earner over the last three months. My kids’ mom has been laid up with two slightly fractured lumbar vertebrae, and has been unable to work from late May until just last week. She’s back to working, but has yet to receive her regular paychecks. Until that happens, money is still very tight.

In addition to (and possibly partially due to) all this, my mental state has not been the best. Though I regularly take my meds, I have had dark thoughts and relapses of depression. I’m doing my best to power through it, but it’s not easy, as I don’t have a network of people with whom I can talk and get things off my chest. I’m kinda back to square one, in that respect—wishing I could talk to someone non-judgmental and willing to lend an ear, but not finding anyone. I did have someone for a short time that was willing and did listen. For a little while, I was texting someone regularly who listened and gave me good advice. However, that person ended up blocking me, as my texts no longer go through, and instead of seeing their profile picture, it’s a generic silhouette. Maybe they got tired of listening to me? I may never know for sure, but I guess I shouldn’t dwell on it.

Sometimes I feel like the chorus of that Whitesnake song: “Here I go again on my own / Going down the only road I’ve ever known / Like a drifter I was born to walk alone”. Thus, I continue living my life day-to-day, attempting to better myself and get myself out of certain aspects of my current situation. I may have to go it alone in many ways. The road is not easy, nor is it a straight line. Miracles don’t usually happen, and it may take some time, but I believe that eventually, things will be better for me and my life will improve.

In keeping with tradition, here’s today’s related quote:

“Part of recovery is relapse. I dust myself off and move forward again.”

Steven Adler

3 thoughts on “[220] Relapse?

  1. First off, love the Whitesnake song……had it stuck in my head a few months ago lol. Secondly, we all need someone’s to talk to, to vent, or just share what’s on our mind. Have you tried therapy? Or opening up to your spouse? Wishing you the best…….. have a wonderful week.

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    1. Thank you for reading my post, and for the well wishes! About the spouse, that’s a long story in and of itself. However, I have seen a counselor previously, although it’s been quite some time. I think I’m going to schedule one again. The last four month have been a rather rocky road for me.

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      1. So sorry to hear that. I have also had times where I felt alone and had nobody to talk to. Its definitely not a fun place to be. Scheduling an appointment with your counselor sounds like a very good idea.

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